Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

07 Jun 2015

building a core

I feel like I am in a period of transition, but maybe I am always meant to be in a period of transition –– they call it growth, perhaps?

I have just come very close to accepting that there is no stability in my life and never will, complete with the cliche that change is the only constant.

Since writing my core document, I’ve been actively trying to rearrange my life, but knowing what to change is hard enough, trying to really apply those changes in a sustainable manner is the harder part.

I have titled the document, “Core”, because that is what I am building. I am still adding to it as new epiphanies and insights rise to mind, and it is both amusing and scary to observe how quickly I fall back into old patterns if I stop being hyper-conscious about it.

Being over-empathetic with a low sense of self-worth, coupled with a real innate desire to always put others before me, is one of the worst possible combinations ever. Without a strong core, I will always be living my life according to people’s mould of me. The irony is that even if I choose to live a life of service, there must be something to be served, and this cycle of rapid self-destruction is more of a burden to the world than a contribution, as I have pointed out in my last Medium post.

I have always been a person of extremes, and what I am trying to learn is moderation and balance. It is not easy trying to re-wire how I think, feel and react. The past few weeks I have been feeling some low-grade form of resentment from consistently ceding my power to people because that had been programmed into me. Well, they say the first step to healing is awareness.

Overall, it has become increasingly clear to me that the way forward is to take responsibility over how I truly want to architect my life. If that means I have to give up everything I have now, I will.

Because nothing is worse than living like resentment is eating us up inside. And I’ve only just realized, that resentment is mostly for myself, because I have allowed people’s opinions to take precedence over my own. Obviously, I still have a long way to go before I learn how to love myself, as you can tell, I am finding it difficult to feel compassion for myself.

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