Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

27 Nov 2014

endings

My maternal grandmother passed away yesterday, and in a couple of hours, I will be on a plane back to Singapore for the funeral. She was 82.

It is a strange time to be writing, but writing has always been the only way I know how to cope. There are a lot of complex thoughts and feelings, so perhaps for once, I would process most of them privately.

But it made me hyper-aware of the tradeoffs I have to make in order to be here. I knew this phone call would come sooner or later, I know it may not be the last I will receive in the time to come. I knew it would be inevitable that one day I would have to take a 20 hour plane flight before I am able to be there for the people I love, at a time when they need me the most.

I know that 20 hours could mean a huge difference between during and after.

The tradeoffs I have made so far have shaped me significantly, everyone of them has broken me and strengthened me in places I would never have imagined.

I don’t know who I’ll be when I return, I don’t know how much of a human being would be left of me each time this happens. Maybe it could make me more of one.

I know I will have to live with the conscious decisions I make and the regrets I would accumulate, but this I believe:

That love transcends time and space – whether it is to make myself feel better or to keep the faith for this world – I hope that the people I love, will know that I love them wherever I am or who I will become, that I am sorry to be so broken, that attempting to carry out my life’s work is the only way I know how to love them back.

Goodbye Grandma. I love you, no matter where you’ve gone, and no matter where I am. Till then.

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