Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

23 Dec 2012

new beginnings

I was developing a split identity between my two blogs, so I’ve decided to put them both in permanent archive-mode and start anew.

It is symbolic in many ways, mostly because I am no longer the same person who wrote in those blogs, but they will always remain a part of me. Tied to this, I am also no longer afraid of being myself in every sense of what it means, so I no longer need to ‘hide’ behind ambiguous blog titles. The url of this new site says my name and that it is how it is going to be.

I was not really worried about writing authentically online, I mean you just have to do a google search to know what I’ve been writing on the web, but somehow I was never ready to put my name on it. It is the last 5% I couldn’t commit to, I guess.

I would never have been who I am now or where I am if I didn’t go through the entire cathartic process of writing my thoughts on those two blogs. I will never want to hide that part of me because it is so integral to who I am now. But I am setting off on an entirely different tangent in my life now. It is like I acknowledge and honor that part of me, but I no longer want them to weigh me down.

I believe in the power of authenticity and storytelling, so I am not going to stop writing authentically. It will just be a different voice, that’s all, a much happier, more positive voice. I don’t have any delusion that everything will be rosy from now on, in fact I am looking forward to going through the ups and downs, I actually have a thing for the downs – I have grown to really appreciate how much they make me stronger. I look back now and I smile at them. All of them.

Truth be told, I am not really used to this. It hasn’t sunk it yet that I am finally in the city who made me discover myself, I am also not really used to my new self. My new-found sense of self and liberty. It is so empowering to know that I am free to make almost any choice I want now, that I don’t really know how to deal with it. I not only want to deal with it, I want to deal with it efficiently.

My first 30 years of my life were not wasted, but now that I am no longer really finding myself or my purpose, I don’t want to waste any more of the time left in this lifetime. There are so many things I want to do, I have lived in an existence whereby I was not incentivized to do anything at all so this is pretty new to me.

The point of my life when I actually feel and truly believe that anything is possible. That my heart is bursting with love for this world. That I really want to love and hug all my friends who stood by me. That my parents is fully supportive of how I want to live now, despite us having had a difficult relationship for most part of my growing up years. For the very first time in my life, at age 31, my dad texted me to tell me that they are proud of me.

For the first time in my life, I don’t have any negative influence in my life. Nothing. Nothing to wear me out or pull me down.

In reverse, I have love. In everything. I am in a city I love, I have work that I love, I love every single member of my team, I know I have family who loves me, I have friends who have demonstrated incredible support for me even though honestly, I wasn’t really worthy of it. I have a network of like-minded people who want to accomplish ridiculous goals like me, I no longer feel alone on this path. There are only more awesome connections to make, I am sure.

I will really need time getting used to this. And you know what I’m going to do once I am done getting used to this? I am going to find every means possible to pay this forward. I have been lucky and I know it. I have worked really hard, but I know for a fact that other people played a huge role in shaping my life today.

I will continue to deliberately write my own story, the story I want to tell. That is how I want to begin and how I want to end. A story worth telling, that is.

p.s. Yeah I really wanted to start a new site so I’ve put together this ultra-minimal-yet-acceptable-for-now theme. Not sure if I’ve time to work on it, but as long as the content is readable, I don’t care. lol.

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