Winnie Lim » journal

journal/

on-going mostly unedited stream of thoughts

December 10, 2023

gathering different pieces of myself

I’ve been back home for a few days now. It feels good to be where I feel the safest, slowly working to get back to the routine I had before. Yesterday I ran my first 5k since japan. I didn’t lose too much of my aerobic fitness, but it still felt obvious that it would take some effort to get back to where I was.

Previously I wrote that I feel like I have to choose between my physical health and psychological health. I couldn’t help but feel like I wanted to stay longer in japan because it was doing so much good for me psychologically. But as the trip went on, I slowly became aware for every day I thrived there, I was also taking away time I could have had to work on my self and my health. I love to travel and explore, but it is the rigidity of my routine, the resources I have at my home, and the slowness of domestic life which allow me to introspect, get physically stronger, and hopefully find ways to output myself creatively. Perhaps the answer is not to travel like a tourist, but to actually live in a foreign place for a while like a resident. I am not sure how feasible is that, especially now that I am quite reliant on my full suite of health supplements and traditional chinese medicine – am now old enough to need all of these to sustain me.

My partner is already excitedly working on the fabric she has gotten from japan. She tells me she has several ideas in store. That’s how she gets from our trips: she absorbs all the stimuli, and she comes back to express it all out. I can only envy her – my brain and body feels too messed up. I do feel inspired too, it is just that I find it difficult to bring my self together in one piece. I am like a bunch of scattered puzzle pieces strewn on the floor.

I don’t know if it is the magic of japan, but I do feel this trip is different from the rest. There is a change in my internal state though I can’t quite articulate it yet. I strangely feel hopeful of slowly being capable of putting myself together, but I am not sure. I am working on finishing my travel sketchbook so I can share it here. There are many elements of it that are japanese and didn’t exist previously in my life, so I find it interesting to observe.

Each time I go through similar phases like this I feel like Sisyphus. I try, and I fail. I get back up and I try again. And fail again. Rinse and repeat to infinity. It feels like I am doing the same thing over and over again, having that misplaced hope only to feel the same despair over and over again. But as I get older I am starting to realise I have been mistaken. I am never doing the same thing even though the process feels like the same. I am simply gathering different pieces of myself. Like puzzle pieces strewn on the floor they look severely incoherent and make no sense, they look broken, lost, scattered. But maybe one day they will make a picture. I am not optimistic about it, but at the very least through each process I’ll get to find a piece of myself. Even if on my deathbed I’m still an incoherent mess, perhaps I can be glad that I’ve collected more pieces of me versus being a single solid stable piece that has neither colour or soul.

December 7, 2023

nostalgia in akihabara

I’ve been to akihabara twice – once in 2008ish and another in 2018 – but back then I was more interested in looking at the massive electronic stores like yodabashi and bic. But a long while ago Marcin shared a youtube documentary on akihabara’s smallest shop and it never left my memory. I knew it has since been closed and torn down (and rebuilt), but I still wanted to visit the building that had housed it.

Even the train station at akhibara is different:

photo of gapachon machines at akihabara train station

akihabara radio center

This place is under train tracks, so it feels more compressed than usual even for tokyo standards. Practically it wouldn’t take more then 30 minutes to walk through the entire place with 2 levels, but one can get caught up just looking at all the retro electronics.

photo of an 1951 photo of akihabara radio center

So much nostalgia for walkmans, cassette tapes, discmans and even mini discs – I half wish I didn’t get rid of mine (never had a mini disc player because they were so expensive):

photo of cassette tapes on display at akihabara

photo of a showcase at akihabara radio center displaying portable cd players and mini disc players

This shop was reminiscent of the shop featured in the youtube documentary. The space inside the shop is tiny and she would have to crawl in and out of the shop. She happened to look up while I was taking the shot:

photo of a tiny book store at akihabara radio center

photo of someone live drawing a person in cosplay

book-off

I also visited book-off akihabara – they are a chain selling second-hand books in general, but the one at akihabara has games, cds, etc:

I got a stash of cds. Some were 200ish yen (about $1.5 usd), and there is a further 10% off above 5000 yen for tax-free shopping.

photo of my stash of cds bought at book off

I spent long swaths of time just gazing longingly at old electronics. I guess I’m just at that age when nostalgia hits hard.

December 1, 2023

scenes from tsukiji & asakusa

Sometimes it is nice to be a tourist and do touristy things.

tsukiji outer market

We got there at 740am because I read that the crowds will start to get crazy at 9am. It did get crazy at 9am, so the internet was correct, once again. We had some delicious street food. There were people saying it is too touristy, but personally I appreciated the experience. Sometimes there are good reasons why it is touristy – it is because it is genuinely fun or enriching.

photo of someone stirring a pot of beef offal stew

asakusa

Most people come here for Sensoji temple, but I enjoyed just walking around looking at people and things.

photo of someone making japanese pancake

photo of someone in a kimono taking a selfie

Sometimes pictures tell a better story than words. Or maybe I am just sleepy and my brain cannot think of words. Or the narrative is in the curation of ten photos out of hundreds. Perhaps everything is true and nothing is true, there isn’t a need to have reasons for sharing a series of photos.

November 29, 2023

crazy fall colours in tokyo

photo of trees with yellowing leaves on a randoms street in tokyo

photo of random stranger throwing fallen leaves into the air

photo of a temple-like structure in the middle of shinjuku

photo of trees with fully yellow leaves at shinjuku-gyoen

photo of fall coloured trees at shinjuku gyoen

photo of maple tree with red leaves at shinjuku gyoen

photo of my art at starbucks shinjuku gyoen

November 27, 2023

creative retail experiences, and warmth in tokyo

A long while ago I saw somewhere online that tokyo has a 3-storey art supply store. It became a bucket list item for me. We have art supply stores in singapore, but we would be lucky to find something that is a thousand square feet.

It felt like a dream to me, all those months talking about visiting this almost-imaginary art supply store that is supposed to exist in tokyo. Today we finally made the pilgrimage to it:

It turns out that it is not 3 storeys but actually 6. But 2 of those 6 sell frames, whereas the top floor is an art school.

It is somewhat like an artist’s wonderland, and the cost of the items are significantly cheaper than singapore too, especially if you’re into japanese brands.

We also stumbled upon this fancy camera shop that also had multiple storeys of new and old cameras:

It is like going into an apple store in terms of shopping experience, except it is for everything photography. We don’t have something equivalent in singapore, so it was quite a novel experience. It is quite strange, because tokyo can be denser than singapore in a lot of ways, but yet they seem to afford a lot more retail space.

photo of film on display at kitamura camera

photo of leica lenses on display at kitamura camera

I just love looking at these displays of fake food for some reason:

photo of a fake food display in shinjuku

Went to a kinokuniya, and was amused to see that computer books in japan have their own unique aesthetic:

Yesterday we had breakfast at this cafe that is named Cafe Garage, and I think they literally converted their garage into a cafe. When we got there the outdoor seating was kept and stacked in a corner, but when we asked the elderly couple who ran the cafe they kindly set it up for us, even wiping them clean. It was drizzling slightly, so she told us we could head in anytime we wanted. We did feel bad that they have to come outside to serve us our food. I had one of the tallest and most delicious sandwiches here.

I wrote about my psychological health improving when I travel, I think a part of it is that travelling increases the opportunities for positive and warm human interactions. Because of all the awkwardness that exists due to language and cultural differences, there seems to be a special kind of grace reserved. We do have our fair share of negative encounters but in general there is warmth.

It seems in singapore like due to the economics (most retail spaces are owned by REITs hence only large chains can afford to rent) there seems to be less creative retail spaces owned by mom and pop or small business owners. We often talk about art in terms of art made by artists, but I love experiencing the art that is created through the rendering of creative retail spaces, especially when it is independently owned.

November 26, 2023

psychological health vs physical health

Travelling keeps me sane. It is only on this trip that I realised how much my brain craves being in some sort of engagement, and travelling is a way to keep it fully engaged.

But I am tired. There is just so much to see, so much to do, and so much fear of missing out. I am not sure when I’ll be able to travel again, or be back in japan, so I feel like I can’t waste a single moment here. Maybe it was a mistake to try to do four major cities in three weeks – we spent two weeks in seoul and that seemed more manageable. We’re old, I guess.

My brain is happy. I can feel it. That is a lot to admit for a chronically depressed person. I just like experiencing more of the world, not more of the same.

The past few months have made me feel like I can either choose to be physically healthy or psychologically healthy. At home I keep a strictish routine, exercise daily, eat a healthier diet, and rest a lot. While travelling I am constantly fatigued, my diet is dodgy, I walk a lot but my aerobic fitness suffers. The work that it takes to be a fit and healthy person doesn’t seem to co-exist in a world that requires me to be spontaneous, flexible and always on-the-go.

In a covid-free world I wouldn’t feel like I have to do so much, because there is always a next time. Now I feel like I have put my health at risk by flying on a plane to be here, so I have to do as much as possible. If I get infected again on this trip I am not sure if I have it in me to travel again, and may just resign to a perpetually depressed and compressed life.

I wonder if I can find some middle ground somewhere. It could be an acceptance of what is possible within my means versus giving in to my fear of missing out. It may mean I just have to accept experiencing less in favour of a less fervent journey. This seems to be a lesson that I have to learn over and over again.

November 25, 2023

tokyo art book fair

Last week or some time ago I came across a mastodon post that Tokyo Art Book Fair is happening this weekend. We thought it would be fun to go since we planned to be in tokyo around the same time too. So that’s our adventure for today:

I had no idea how an art book fair would be like. This is my first I think, and it feels amazing to be able to attend one in tokyo of all places. We were there around 11ish am and it was already quite crowded.

photo of booths at the tokyo art book fair

My partner participated in this collaborative poster by drawing a square and she received a previous completed poster in return! I thought it was a pretty cool concept. We felt bad getting the poster for free though.

photo of a collaborative poster in progress

photo of a completed collaborative poster

I managed to find the booth of the artist who posted about the art book fair on mastodon, though we almost missed him as there was an entire exhibition area hidden at basement two – we’ve finished the exhibition booths at level one and thought that was the end. If I didn’t attempt to look for him we wouldn’t have known there was another gigantic exhibition area at the basement level.

There was so much art it was overwhelming. It felt impossible to finish seeing everything. We both felt over-stimulated at the end.

When we left around 2ish pm there was a pretty long line formed to get into the museum. It is quite cool to see so many people into art, especially because the event was being ticketed at 1000 yen per person.

This is my personal book haul – I have a thing for food drawings (pardon the bad photo, I took at at the end of the day with bad room lighting):

The book fair was very inspiring for both my partner and myself. I’m glad someone boosted that post into my mastodon timeline else I wouldn’t even be aware that the event was ongoing. Serendipity is cool I guess.

Sometimes I take in so much I feel like something in churning in me and I have no idea how to get it all out. I hope I live long enough and the world doesn’t implode too quickly, so I am able to figure it out one day.

November 24, 2023

unexpected surprises in osaka

Last night I spent hours trying to book a hotel for today’s arrival at tokyo, so this post intended for yesterday is now being written on the bullet train instead. I could have booked an okay-ish hotel earlier but tried to over-optimise and ended up wasting precious time. I’ve learnt that travelling without much prior planning requires a lot of smart letting go at appropriate times. Trying to maximise for everything eventually leads to an overall diminished experience.

We visited Osaka Castle yesterday. We’re both not into castles per se but enjoy strolling around parks, especially japanese ones. Nevertheless the castle is quite a sight:

photo of osaka castle surrounded by autumn foilage

It was also enjoyable to see people just having fun:

I couldn’t resist sharing this photo of golden retrievers wearing kimono of course:

photo of golden retrievers wearing kimonos

Near the actual castle itself there was a building with some retail shops and restaurants. We found a shop selling takoyaki and okonomiyaki, but my partner was skeptical of their quality since it looks extremely geared towards tourists. They offer free rental of picnic mats and tables, so we took the opportunity to eat outdoors again:

photo of my partner having okonomiyaki and takoyaki on a picnic mat

It was such an unexpected surprise, to come to a touristy place and yet have actual fun. We dine outdoors because we have no choice, but it led us to have a relaxing picnic in great weather – something we would have missed out upon if we simply took the status quo of eating indoors. The food was actually good, or at least to my untrained tastebuds. The takoyaki had such a soft tender texture – they feel quite different from the ones we had in Singapore. Is this how takoyaki should be?

At dinner we wanted to go to this yakiniku place near our hotel that has a rooftop dining area. But after a lot of confusion in trying to communicate with the restaurant staff, we found out that it was only for a course (set) dinner that included all-you-can-drink alcohol. Near this restaurant was another place that also had a rooftop area which is also only reserved for course meals and all-you-can-drink. So it seems like a thing. Since we both don’t drink alcohol we had to sadly look for another option. After walking for quite a bit and almost giving up we found this cute little italian restaurant with a standing area:

photo of my partner standing at an outdoor dining area of an italian restaurant

Each time we ask if we can dine outdoors we get a little apprehensive because we’ve been rejected countless times. There are restaurants that would rather lose business than to keep coming outdoors to serve us even if there is an outdoor area. I think for this restaurant the standing area is more for drinks and snacks, but after some hesitation by the server – he had to ask someone – they kindly let us dine there. We weaved a sigh a relief because it was late and we were hungry. Again, it was another experience that we only had because we were forced to, but it turned out really enjoyable and great. You may think it seems a little weird to eat italian food in japan, but we like their take on western-ish food. It is like a whole other genre. But honestly we would have been glad to eat anything at that point.

Breakfast was way easier as there was a cafe with an explicit outdoor sitting area near our hotel. I have observed that smaller dining outfits tend to actually be glad when we are willing to dine outdoors because they have limited indoor seatings.

photo of my partner having breakfast outdoors at Pause Coffee, Osaka.

We’re now bound to tokyo. The last time I was in tokyo was 2018 when we spent a night there in transit to kyoto, and the last time I spent proper time there was 2008ish, when I was a radically different person. I wonder how I would feel about it this time. We think it is saving the best for the last, but is it?

November 21, 2023

creative experiences in osaka

A few months ago I joked with my partner that we should visit Osaka at the end of the year. She seriously replied that if so we could visit a sewing studio – nani IRO – as sadly they are about to close their physical location on the 23rd of November this year. She had bought books by them before, and they made her fall in love with sewing.

photo of my partner wearing a blouse she had sewn with a nani IRO pattern — my partner wearing a blouse she had sewn with a nani IRO pattern

So today just two days before their closing date, we made it to the studio. I imagine that it must be a surreal feeling: to buy some books online, then one day visiting the actual location in Osaka, from Singapore. Maybe it is like me visiting the Theatre of Dreams in Manchester. I kid.

photo of the entrance of the nani IRO studio

It was an inspiring experience for me as well, though I was just tagging along. I really enjoy visiting creative spaces. It was only today that I learnt that Naomi Ito, the founder, was a watercolour artist before being invited by Kokka to print her art on textiles. I especially like when different creative domains bleed into each other.

photo of a painting that is made into a textile at the nani IRO studio

photo of another painting accompanied by its textile copy

photo of a series of paintings with their corresponding textiles

It felt meaningful to witness my partner being there. And that somehow against all odds we really made it to see it one last time.

Spotted more people painting in a park which is always inspiring to watch. It feels like they live with so much intention, to pack all their materials and go all the way to the park to paint.

photo of another person painting in the park

Also visited this very cool used art book store:

We also visited the Kuromon Ichiba market, where people are bravely eating puffer fish sashimi:

photo of people eating puffer fish sashimi

photo of seafood for sale at kuromon market

…and of course this post wouldn’t be complete without a picture of my partner out eating ramen in the cold.

photo of my partner eating ramen in the cold

November 20, 2023

dining in the cold as a former comfort addict (& thanks for the comments)

The perks of searching for outdoor places to dine at is that we discover and experience places we normally wouldn’t. Today we had coffee at a cafe with an amazing riverside view:

We also stumbled upon a sushi place that has outdoor seats! OMG I thought we’ll never get to eat sushi on the entire trip because why would any sushi place have outdoor seating…Now I just need an outdoor shabu shabu place.

photo of my partner eating outdoors at a sushi restaurant

My partner overheard a passerby saying: it must be so cold to eat sushi out here, but it looks very delicious. LOL. It is quite interesting to be the kind of people who are unafraid to be out in the cold while everyone else is huddled in the warmth.

I was just telling her today: that I have become a different person because of the pandemic. I used to be really addicted to comfort, and would never contemplate dining in the cold. At the breakfast cafe yesterday, some people passed on the place because the indoor seats were all taken and they didn’t want to dine in the cold. I was like them – I would rather eat something less fun and be comfortable in the warmth. But thanks to the pandemic (typing this half-sarcastically) I am more resilient in some ways out of sheer necessity. Still emotionally fragile, but at least eating in the cold is no longer daunting or uncomfortable. More often than not, I am so pleased to see seats outdoors. And all of those experiences dining outdoors have enriched my life.

Osaka is so cool, they even sell used laptops outdoors:

photo of used laptops being displayed outdoors

That’s all for today. We didn’t do much because I was feeling tired. I would like to thank those of you who left comments on my post yesterday. I suffer from an inexhaustible chronic loneliness, and your comments made me feel so much less lonely.