Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

06 Jan 2013

recovery

I am experiencing a period of peace – inner and outer. I know life will always has its ups, downs and curveballs, so for now I would just like to take a breather and just be. In modern times it is increasingly harder for anybody to breathe freely and I know there may come a time soon again that I may not have the luxury to breathe this way again, so all I want to do is to think of nothing. Apart from work, that is.

I tell people I need to recover, they automatically assume that I am recovering from my move across oceans. But I am actually recovering from one year of being in limbo and prior to that, years of chronic fatigue.

In short, I have never felt so whole. Like everything is integrated the way it should be. I have always considered myself broken for all my life but now, I feel whole.

I have lived my life like a tightly wound elastic band, especially for the past year. There was so much uncertainty, though I learned and I enjoyed lots of moments, I felt like I was in a constant state of tension. Where was I going to be, what if things didn’t work out? I had a thousand questions swirling in my head, I try as much as I can to live in the now, but I am only but human. For all the strength I had to put upfront, subconsciously I was fraught with worries.

Now, I feel the elastic band slowly unwind and it is actually kind of disconcerting. I look back at my entire life and I don’t ever remember being truly relaxed and free before.

I guess I just want to take things as naturally as possible and ease myself into some normalcy. Being part of a hustling start up means there is no such thing as having true normalcy, but I’ll take whatever I can outside of work, thank you.

I have tons of things I want to do once I am recovered and settled, among them I want to try rock-climbing, meditative yoga and hand-lettering, but just not right now.

I have no idea when my next pressing life challenge will be, so this is a opportune time for me to recharge. Carefree and playful? I have never felt that in a long, long while.

I can be an asian over-achiever in my own convoluted way but I will give myself permission to simply be and have as much fun as I can. For being fully engaged with life means to stretch yourself as far as possible, with periods of adequate recovery in between.

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