Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

31 Mar 2016

sitting with ambivalence

I’ve been thinking of being a nun. It is not the first time I’ve thought of it, and wouldn’t be the last. I’ve been thinking of being one since I was a kid. In some ways, I think it is the next best thing to do when one is not interested in life itself (apart from ending it).

But in full transparency, I am not sure if I want to be a nun because I am tired of life itself and hence that is my form of escape, or I truly want to be one because it is calling me. I don’t think being tired of life is a good reason to be a nun. One can argue that being a nun is precisely because one loves life.

I am in this strange phase where I feel ambivalent about everything. I am not sad or depressed, just ambivalent. I am not sure if this is a passing phase, or a longer, more permanent condition. I feel like I don’t give a shit about outcomes anymore. Whether humanity survives, whether the universe evolves, whether I’m happy or not, whether there is meaning to it all.

They say it is all about the journey, and right now the journey is not very appealing to me either. I was telling a friend just now that I could have everything I wished for in the very next moment and I am not sure if it would make much of a difference to me. I am not even sure if I have any wishes anymore.

In parallel I am also thinking, what if I can take the mental model of being a nun into the secular world, and establish a way of life that would closely resemble one?

I happened to read this yesterday:

“Non-action is already something. There are people who don’t seem to do very much, but their presence is crucial for the well-being of the world. You may know people like this, who are steady, not always busy doing things, not making a lot of money, or being engaged in a lot of projects, but who are very important to you; the quality of their presence makes them truly available. They are contributing non-action, the high quality of their presence. To be in the here and the now—solid and fully alive—is a very positive contribution to our collective situation.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

I could live, just to observe the interactivity of myself to this world. It would be an exercise of curiosity and creativity (also because I can’t actually take the other option), not because I am particularly invested in any outcome. Maybe all I can do right now, is just to be still with this ambivalence, and see where it takes me.

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