Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

21 Mar 2016

struggling but not struggling

My migraine has finally broken – it is like a fever, sometimes it goes on and I can only hope it’ll break soon. I still feel remnants of it, but I am well enough to feel human again, mostly.

Migraine episodes make me want to reevaluate everything in my life, because I feel so powerless that I end up resenting myself for not making better use of my time when I feel healthy and well. Some time last year I started to wonder about a future where I will always be dealing with some chronic condition, and if so, how can I still maximise my time? Yet I can’t overdo it, it has to be a fine balance, because running around like some headless chicken is also one of the surest ways to trigger a migraine again.

I asked a friend yesterday, if she would still live her life the way she’s living now if she had only six months to live. This is why I have very little friends. ;P

I thought about the question myself. Putting more of myself out there opens more doors, different doors, and me being me, I just want to walk through all of them to see what lies beyond. Then the inevitable happens, I get sick, and I am like, why do I do this to myself, again?

If I only had six months to live, I’ll still be doing mostly what I’m doing now. Trying to write as much as possible, to tell as many stories as possible, to think of as many different ways to tell these stories, to share as many ideas as I can, to connect deeply to as many people as I can.

I weigh the tradeoffs, I feel them keenly. Sometimes packing up for a long journey means not being able to bring five suitcases along. I have one backpack, and I have to keep it light. That means having to let go of some things which are dear to me. Sometimes that means recognising some things are better off in someone else’s backpack.

The hardest thing to do, is to discern which is which.

I have begun to develop this new thought, this new possible framework for myself. Someone once told me that the right things are never too much of a struggle, and there is such a thing is trying too hard. This is what the Tao Te Ching is all about (apparently it is Jack Dorsey’s most prized possession).

And so the wise
share without cutting,
square without sawing,
true without forcing.
They are the light that does not shine.

Do, and do wrong;
Hold on, and lose.
Not doing, the wise soul
doesn’t do it wrong,
and not holding on,
doesn’t lose it.

(Ursula Le Guin’s translation)

I’ve been writing more over here. I’ve also been journalling everyday for almost 100 days now. Somehow it is different, what gets expressed when I write it solely for myself, and what comes out when I know this is going to public, even for a small bunch of you.

I guess everything is always a work-in-progress, and for now, I just want to do things that bring joy to me, and sometimes…the struggles worth struggling for, often doesn’t feel like a struggle. They are hard, but it is more of a wow, running a 42km marathon sounds insane but I am going to feel such a rush after running it, versus the I am going to feel like a terrible human being if I don’t run this marathon and I really, really, dislike running so why am I doing this to myself…

They sound almost the same, but they are not. Having the wisdom to discern, makes all the difference.

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