Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

17 Feb 2014

The choice against invisibility

I find myself invariably retreating to this space after writing a series of posts on Medium. I feel like over here I can have unwieldy prose and be as longwinded as I want to, for this is me in my truest essence – my mind can be as unwieldy and chaotic as the words that exist on this page.

I like having almost two distinct voices, one trying to tell stories treating every word as her precious resource, one simply trying to narrate herself without any guardrail in place. For the longest time I struggled to reconcile the different personalities within me, only to realize that the only way to do so is to accept all of them, without self-judgment.

There is this part of me who wants to live out my life in invisibility, for there is a certain charm in not having to manage expectations of anybody except myself. In a parallel universe I could be a quiet backpacker, not desiring much, not harboring any hopes or dreams, just wandering and observing. I can be content with that sort of life, or so I imagine. I may write some poetry or prose along the way, but that may be the full extent of how much I am willing to expose myself to the world.

The other side of me, is very much aware of the weight I want to carry and the debt I have to pay forward. Wanting the best out of myself and out of the world means I have to put myself out there, even if it means having to watch myself crumble away bit by bit in order to rebuild myself over and over again.

I almost don’t want to build that sort of resilience, I actually like and appreciate my fragility, to retain that sort of naivety, innocence and trust in people, so I can have my heart freshly broken over and over again. I like giving my trust upfront with no questions asked or no strings attached, I like to believe that everyone else does not have an agenda to pursue. That is the world I have lived in, knowing that I am willing to give away my power in order to find that purest essence of humanity – people who will make me believe that the world is generous, that there will be the ones who will harness the power I give away instead of taking it away from me.

But that is not the world we live in. And I am not that person I thought myself to be. I am as complex as the world out there, someone who has to balance her good as well as her shadows. I am slowly and painfully learning what it really means to be true to oneself. It means accepting that I am more flawed in more ways than I can ever imagine, and yet making the choice to do better each and every time.

I learned that a difficult decision is not made only once, it is made over and over again. There were times when I wavered, only to remember why I wanted this in the first place.

During those times when things get difficult, when I was forced to draw on my reserves like never before, I get caught up in the hows and the whys of the moment, forgetting the bigger picture I have in place.

Sometimes in life we are given a precious sword to wield, and we spend so much time trying to work on ourselves so that we can use that sword, only to forget asking if we were meant for that sword in the first place. Or even contemplate, if that precious sword is even needed to fulfill the journey, and to open our minds in considering that there may be a plain, boring wooden sword that lies ahead which may be more apt for us instead.

It is a difficult scenario to give serious consideration to, because I really wonder if I had given my all to that sword or if I was actually afraid of its weight. In contrast to that, it also makes me wonder if I have been too blinded by the beauty of that sword to notice my true path forward.

I don’t have any answers, but I still remember to ask myself every now and then, if whatever I am doing is aligned with my chosen purpose. Everything else is secondary to that. This is how I gather strength, the remembrance of who I really want to be and what I want to stand for. I become unafraid, because I have something to ground me.

I know what I want to live for, and that is of the utmost importance to me. That becomes my single guiding light, because there is no point in everything else if I lose what I am living for. On the contrary, I have no fear of losing anything as long as I know I am true to the life I want myself to lead.

Everything can be taken away from me, except for the power and strength I give to myself.

I have had exhausting and trying times, many of those times I over-extend myself and I lose the reserves of strength that I have carefully tried to build. These are times when I start questioning the foundation of everything in my life. I mistakenly see these times as times of negativity, only to realize very recently, that these are the times when I tear myself apart in order to rebuild myself again – a subtle change, but an additional layer of resilience. And I make that same decision that I have made a million times in the past, opting for the world I want to believe in and build, over the life of invisibility I could have had.

Tearing myself apart is painful nonetheless, each time I grieve a little for that part of me I have to let go, the innocence I have to lose, in order to gather a little bit more of a pragmatic single-mindedness towards fulfilling the goals I want to have in my life.

But if that means I could be closer to being part of the coalition to build the world I want to live in, that tradeoff, I am willing to make.

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