Fragmented thoughts of a fragmented mind

08 May 2016

the compound effect

These days I keep having my life flash before me (is this a sign I’m going to leave the world soon) and it makes me have this deep abstract sense of awareness of the disparate dots connecting in my life.

I think for once – apart from the first couple years of my life in SF – I am feeling like I like who I have become and where I am. Time and time again, I have chosen to walk into a deep dark forest, got lost, and yet discovered that as long as I have the courage and curiosity to keep on walking, I’ll not only survive, but find some treasures within.

It occurred to me that some things are only apparent with the compound effect of time. Who would have known that dropping out of school to pursue a design career – such a seemingly terrible thing to have done at that point of time – would become one of the best decisions I have ever made? Who would have known that not doing well in my academic studies turned out to be such a boon, because it freed me up to explore other areas of my life?

There have been other things in my life that has compounded well unexpectedly. Friendships for example. I am terrible at keeping friendships, but there are a few that have lasted throughout the years, and what a blessing they have been, to witness and be witnessed. I was texting a good friend recently, and realised the only reason we were texting with so much unspoken context was because we have known each other long enough to know each other’s histories and quirks. If somebody would have dropped in on our conversation, they would be confused, because we were almost talking in alien speak. There is a specific vocabulary we use with certain friends, and they mean so much more than the mere definitions of the words.

Then, there are the books I have read. I would not have become 25% of the person I am without them. My philosophy, values, imagination, solace, are largely influenced by the books I read. The ability to articulate my thoughts or even endure the complexity of them, comes from all the conversations I had with myself while reading. I can only make sense of my self and my relationship to the world through the books I read, because other people had tried to make sense of themselves and their worlds before me. They have gone into those dark deep forests themselves, so I can have the courage to tread into mine.

There is the writing of course. I have made so many valuable connections through my writing, not only because of the fact that I write, but also the regularity and the intensity. That is how my tribe finds me. My posts are like my bat signals to the world. Come find me because I am as weird as you, if not more. I have found my people through their words too. Publishing on the internet is essentially writing public love letters to our people.

My general well-being too, has been taking a turn for the better lately, and I almost didn’t notice it. This has to be a post on its own, on how the decisions I have made towards my well-being are just compounding together.

I look back at my life, and there are so many seemingly random dots that seemed so innocuous or dark, only to have the threads of time connect them together in such an unexpected manner. I am now inclined to believe, as long as we keep having the courage to make those dots and live long enough, we will get to see them coming together in ways that make life such a magnetic, mysterious force. Even a cynic like me, can almost be convinced to believe that life is worth living, solely just to see how all they come together at the end.

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